As I mentioned yesterday, (Point #2) part of my purpose in blogging is for accountability...putting it out there... regarding my weight loss journey. Yesterday I told two of my friends my actual weight. I felt so nervous in doing so, (and no, I'm not ready to put THAT out there yet...I have SOME dignity, people... ) but in saying it out loud, I felt I was fessing up to something...facing reality. The truth is, I have "felt" the same weight for a very long time....My friend calls it "fatarexia"...we look in the mirror and see much cuter, skinnier versions of ourselves. :) But THEN you see the PICTURES!! Or VIDEOS (worse) or SOMEONE posts icky pics of you on FACEBOOK and tags you in them...DELETE DELETE DELETE...That can't POSSIBLY be me! But when you actually say your weight out loud, there's a reality check...and a much needed one so that you won't have to say a much higher number soon after...hopefully.
And I've always been so full of hope..."Hopefully" not the self-deceiving kind. I've been a best-case scenario thinker for most of my life, always "thinking" things will change...but then I tend to procrastinate as well...not always a good mix.
So I find myself here. Not in despair, but still, in the place of "I can't let this go on." I guess feeling worse, and feeling older has got a lot to do with it. I guess I'm starting to understand what they say about growing older, and plain old "health" is now on my radar as one of the reasons I should lose weight.
But this has been a HUGE area of failure in my life...I don't say this in an "I feel sorry for myself" sort of way...It is just plainly one of the biggest obstacles of my life, and if I'm honest, I fear failure. And I'm one who HATES any kind of fear (that's a whole 'nother blog for another day).
So what to do...As much as this could become "my project" in my life, I don't want to be obsessed by it...I don't think one's weight deserves the primary focus of one's attention...not with so many other things of eternal value out there to be better occupying my time. But then again, I need to be strong to be able to DO those things for a lot longer...I just don't want to be preoccupied with counting calories, fat grams, etc. Not out of laziness. It's a focus issue for me.
I have done a lot of praying about this over the years. The strategy I feel most comfortable with is obedience. This may sound strange, depending on the way you relate to God, but there is a verse that says, "So I say, stay in step with the Spirit and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh." And I have had bouts of "success" in weight loss by really listening to that still small voice that directs our steps and even eating what I've felt in my heart to eat and stopping when I've felt impressed to stop. It's a very simple thing, yet this is where my "rebelliousness" loves to rise up and scream, "BUT I WANT MORE!!!" This is my area...(And my area of weakness just happens to be posted on the great billboard of my body for all the world to see, it seems!)
Anyway, I do feel like my sweet PATIENT Lord has given me some directives....(here's the vulnerable part...here's where I "put it out there" so you all know and I PRAY I can obey...and I pray YOU pray that I can do this as well...)
First, I believe I am to only eat when I am hungry, pray and ask what I am to eat, and then eat that, and only as much as I sense I should.
I ALSO believe I am to walk each day...or exercise in some way...and I am REALLY not good at this!!
Seems simple, yet my greatest obstacle.
Ok. So I'm going to ask you today to "hold me accountable" FOR today to the following:
This day I am going to eat only when prompted by my hunger to do so, eat what I feel I should, and stop when satisfied/I feel I should...not one bite more.
I'm also going to walk today. (This is a big deal for me...really)
And at the end of the day, I'll report back in to say "I did it!" (There's that optimism I told you about...) But really, pray that I can do just that...and any wisdom/feedback/insights you can offer me will be much appreciated.
Here we go....Dar