Tuesday, July 7, 2009

The Weight Thing

As I mentioned yesterday, (Point #2) part of my purpose in blogging is for accountability...putting it out there... regarding my weight loss journey. Yesterday I told two of my friends my actual weight. I felt so nervous in doing so, (and no, I'm not ready to put THAT out there yet...I have SOME dignity, people... ) but in saying it out loud, I felt I was fessing up to something...facing reality. The truth is, I have "felt" the same weight for a very long time....My friend calls it "fatarexia"...we look in the mirror and see much cuter, skinnier versions of ourselves. :) But THEN you see the PICTURES!! Or VIDEOS (worse) or SOMEONE posts icky pics of you on FACEBOOK and tags you in them...DELETE DELETE DELETE...That can't POSSIBLY be me! But when you actually say your weight out loud, there's a reality check...and a much needed one so that you won't have to say a much higher number soon after...hopefully.

And I've always been so full of hope..."Hopefully" not the self-deceiving kind. I've been a best-case scenario thinker for most of my life, always "thinking" things will change...but then I tend to procrastinate as well...not always a good mix.

So I find myself here. Not in despair, but still, in the place of "I can't let this go on." I guess feeling worse, and feeling older has got a lot to do with it. I guess I'm starting to understand what they say about growing older, and plain old "health" is now on my radar as one of the reasons I should lose weight.

But this has been a HUGE area of failure in my life...I don't say this in an "I feel sorry for myself" sort of way...It is just plainly one of the biggest obstacles of my life, and if I'm honest, I fear failure. And I'm one who HATES any kind of fear (that's a whole 'nother blog for another day).

So what to do...As much as this could become "my project" in my life, I don't want to be obsessed by it...I don't think one's weight deserves the primary focus of one's attention...not with so many other things of eternal value out there to be better occupying my time. But then again, I need to be strong to be able to DO those things for a lot longer...I just don't want to be preoccupied with counting calories, fat grams, etc. Not out of laziness. It's a focus issue for me.

I have done a lot of praying about this over the years. The strategy I feel most comfortable with is obedience. This may sound strange, depending on the way you relate to God, but there is a verse that says, "So I say, stay in step with the Spirit and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh." And I have had bouts of "success" in weight loss by really listening to that still small voice that directs our steps and even eating what I've felt in my heart to eat and stopping when I've felt impressed to stop. It's a very simple thing, yet this is where my "rebelliousness" loves to rise up and scream, "BUT I WANT MORE!!!" This is my area...(And my area of weakness just happens to be posted on the great billboard of my body for all the world to see, it seems!)

Anyway, I do feel like my sweet PATIENT Lord has given me some directives....(here's the vulnerable part...here's where I "put it out there" so you all know and I PRAY I can obey...and I pray YOU pray that I can do this as well...)
First, I believe I am to only eat when I am hungry, pray and ask what I am to eat, and then eat that, and only as much as I sense I should.
I ALSO believe I am to walk each day...or exercise in some way...and I am REALLY not good at this!!
Seems simple, yet my greatest obstacle.

Ok. So I'm going to ask you today to "hold me accountable" FOR today to the following:

This day I am going to eat only when prompted by my hunger to do so, eat what I feel I should, and stop when satisfied/I feel I should...not one bite more.

I'm also going to walk today. (This is a big deal for me...really)

And at the end of the day, I'll report back in to say "I did it!" (There's that optimism I told you about...) But really, pray that I can do just that...and any wisdom/feedback/insights you can offer me will be much appreciated.

Here we go....Dar


  1. I'm on that journey with you, girl. As MJ sang..."You are not alone." By the way, if you want to feel the spirit of God and of love, watch the memorial service in its entirety. It totally blew my mind and I wanted to call you and share it. You are one of few people who I know would appreciate the trail of the awesome creativity of God within it. Talk about inspiration to follow the dreams God has put inside of you and be obedient to His calls, no matter the persecution or sorrow! I know you can do this, Dar. You can never fail if you never quit. Don't get bogged down in the "weight" of knowing you have to climb this mountain, because when we are at our weakest, He carries us. Remember the footprints in the sand. I actually started walking and eatiing healthier about 1 1/2 weeks ago. So, as I said before, I am on this journey with you. Sometimes when we embark on a fresh new walk of obedience, we see it as a shackle. But it is not. Actually, it brings freedom. Keep your mind free about it and I will do the same. Sorry to be pouring out on you, but I am so full of love from this memorial service that I can't contain it. I'm not trying to turn this blog into a conversation between me and you, but your words to me are precious and your acknowledgment of my gifts are appreciated. And I just want to shout it from the rooftops, the Lord used Michael Jackson to preach to the entire world when Lionel Richie sang, "Jesus is Love" at MJ's service. Hallelujiah! What a moment. The whole world heard it if they were watching it. Of course, the media is replaying every other song and moment except that one, and though they all were phenomenal and special, that was the most God-filled and wonderful moment for me. Love you! Hazel

  2. Just so you know...we did it! We had a successful day! I did what I said I would! I say "we" cause I truly would NOT have walked except for the fact that I committed to this morning. And Hazel...I LOVE YOU! I've already replied on your FB, but THANK YOU!! Now on to bed...The eyelids are heavy but my heart (and hopefully the rest of me) is a little lighter! :)

  3. This is a good word and i'm going to pray about joining you. . . i have not wanted to address the growing middle in my life and food has been such a comfort to me during such times of stress. But i'm not happy with the outcome, but like you i'm almost afraid to be obsessed with it or have to think about it all the time. i don't know where to fit in the walk and i'm such an over-achieving mother, that i don't pull away from my family very well, especially if i'm working. I'll try to spend some time talking to the Lord about it, and i'll just try the simple steps you're taking. I love you. Deb

  4. How are you doing with this now, Dar? It's been a couple of weeks, and I want to hold you accountable still if you'd like! Love you!